Trying to deal with Traumatic experiences.

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Last year in October, my mom was diagnosed with Lung cancer, which traveled to her Liver and heart and Bone. My mother passed Away July 3rd of last year. I took care of her, put myself lowest on the list because I wanted my mom to feel absolutely no pain whatsoever. While I was taking care of her I started developing signs of an Eating disorder which I kept secret for about a year until it erupted on the anniversary of her death. Without my mom, and fighting against this eating disorder, I feel really helpless and lost because she was my comfort zone. I've been to an Eating disorder clinic to try to help with my behaviors, but I realized I wasn't really ready to deal with it. I guess I feel like a failure. In a way, the eating disorder is a direct connection to the trauma I had to face with taking care of her when she was really sick. I can't let go of the haunting memories of her eyes so yellow and vacant. That keeps me right into the eating disorder. Because honestly, thinking I'm fat is a lot easier to deal with than the reality that my mother is gone and all the things I had to see. My mom was always super over protective with me and I don't think I was prepared to see the things I did. Maybe I'm mad at her for keeping me so sheltered and hidden away from those kind of events. But I understand why she wouldn't want me to see those kind of things. Who WOULD?! It's unfair. It's wrong. I miss her, and in a way, by me letting go of the eating disorder it is like letting go of her. My guilt is stronger than my love, and thats horrible and disgusting to admit. I can't help my feelings. I want her back. My whole life has changed because of this. My mom was like the backbone to our whole family. And when this all happened, All the ribs and vertebrae tumbled away, leaving just the internal organs without protections. I feel Like my ribs and sternum were ripped away and My internal organs are exposed. Feels like there is a needle ready to jab at any second. With all the bad news I heard over and over again, I just keep waiting for the next blow. So I wait, unable to relax, waiting for my heart to be ripped apart and put through a shredder once again. So I can't break down. Everyone else in my family is going through greif, So I feel like a burden. which keeps me from asking for help, Keeps me in this illness that somehow "works" for the time being. But honestly, my eating disorder can ultimately kill me, which I hate to admit is somehow a comfort subconsciously. Maybe it will bring me closer to her... I can't give up, I want to eventually take all this energy I put towards the eating disorder and fuel it into something more possitive and honor my mother. Because She was the most amazing person I have ever known and the greatest role model I could ever look up to.

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Bunnywithagun

2 months, 1 Week, 3 days, 51 minutes ago

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