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Lucky to have someone.. |
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For as long as I can remember, I've been depressed. For many years, i attributed it to my surroundings, blaming others for feelings that I couldn't control or understand. I've always had a difficult time with this, and when I feel the worst I push people away or do things that make them not want to be around me. I was always raised to keep my feelings to myself, and I've doomed myself to that pattern. For years I have felt so alone in this, unable to communicate with friends or family. When I finally made the decision to treat the depression, a few months before I turned 25, I was afraid of what could happen. I tried many times to talk myself out of it, telling myself that it would go away, or if I shut myself off I would feel better.
It was sometime in 2006 that a very close friend of mine told me that he had more that platonic feelings for me, and had for a long time. I was with one of his firends at the time, but only because I was afraid that I couldn't handle being alone. That relationship was bad for me, and I dealt with it by abusing alcohol. When this guy rold me his feelings for me, I was shocked but ecstatic at the same time. We had been very closew friends for nearly 6 years, and I knew from the moment I met him that I would be in love with him forever. However, I told myself I didn't deserve his love, and never did anything about the way I felt until he informed me of his feelings.
We have been together now for nearly 2 years, and we'll be getting married next August. I am so lucky to have found someone like him. He is the only person I've ever known that has tried to help me deal with my depression. It was because of him that I made the choice to seek treatment, and it is because of him that my treatment has worked at all. I'm one of those lucky people who found someone who loves them despite their flaws. He has shown me great love and patience every time I go to that dark place. He pries at me to talk to him. He pushes me to rationalize my thoughts, and he gives me hope that I will someday be able to overcome this disease. Jis persistence and support has been the one thing I can turn to at my worst times. He always has something to offer me in order to feel better. I feel like if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be here right now. I've been blessed with someone who truly loves me. He has renewed my faith in humanity and in myself. He helped me to quit drinking. Every time I feel weak, he is there to lend an ear or a shoulder or whatever I need to feel better. He is my confidant, he has been the only person in my life to truly listen to me and provde feedback when i need it. My greatest challenge with him is allowing myself to feel like it's okay for him to love me. My whole life I've been the "odd man out", I never really fit in with anyone and I've spent a very long time alone. For years and years, I've felt that I didn't deserve to be cared about because I was too different, or because of the way I felt, or because I have such a hard time controlling and understanding my own emotions. When I finally did let my gaurd down long enough to let someone in, I always got hurt. My first boyfriend was mentally and emotionally abusive and very controlling. I was convinced that that was how relationships were supposed to be, so I let him have control over me. It got to a point where he was in control of who I spoke to, what I wore and where I went. I had got a job before I met him, and it was my safe place from him. It's also the place where I met my current fiancee. When we first met and he met my boyfriend at the time...the next day at work the first thing he said to me is "you look so sad when you're near him". That was when I finally allowed myself to tell someone what was happening, and it was because of him that I was able to get out of that relationship. We were inseperable after that, though I never allowed myself to tell him my feelings. Everything happens for a reason, though.I am so lucky we found eachother!! |
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Rabidpanda |
1 month, 3 Weeks, 11 hours, 37 minutes ago |
Personal Story |
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All Votes: 4 |
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